d i s a p p e a r

it's a choice, you make.

... a desire sometimes.

so as I walk outside and look at the stars

as I dream of walking hand in hand with someone who loves me

when I'm alone


i feel that it is easier to disappear.

to just erase it all and live when the world and people who really didn't know you could see your every move and feeling...

I'm tired of living a life that isn't mine and I mean that in many ways.

I may be a fool... a child... naive

but my heart is heavy here.

I feel strangled here.

Each foot step is like the echo of my flailing heart.

Every night I twist and turn

my body falling apart.

my skin cracking.


so..

I believe it best to forgive this part of my life and let it go.

we walk many roads. we take many paths so please let me take mine.

people respect all kinds of beliefs....except those I choose.

I'm ridiculed even worse for it because it doesn't seem rational or logical and sensical. I'm hurt that that is the way, but I can see why it is so.

I want to choose this life.

I want to give this life.

in the only way I know how.

to relinquish control.

This is what my heart tells me to do.

Would you refuse me this right?

The Ups and Downs - Clearly Frustrated

So, thanks to the snow and the wind and the rain, the university has been closed and the nice little schedule I've been on has just kind of dwindled away. Not to mention I got a new micro-plush blanket that's literally heaven, as you can see, it's become difficult to get off my bed and into my chair where I can effectively type rhythmically away to produce some form of creative literature worthy of a manuscript.

You see, I have all of these ideas floating in my head, but the moment I go to pick up a pen or paper to jot those ideas down... they DISSIPATE into thin air! Then I'm left staring at a blank sheet of paper in a hair pulling, brain fart. AGH, it drives me crazy!

ALSO, due to lack of funds in my poor bank account I have not read a single book and there are so many new books out that I am just dying to get my hands on, but I just can't get them. The university library is a dead zone for references and non-fiction. Don't get me wrong! I love a good reference book or non-fiction... when I'm doing a research paper, not so much when I simply want a good read. Why not go to the public library, you say? Well, I have no car on campus thanks to loving and protective parents who agree that my driving abilities at the moment are far from perfection (i may be a danger on the roads) therefore, I walk everywhere! It's great exercise yet compared to William Wordsworth who'd walk 75 miles around Tintern Abbey, he'd squish me if we raced.

Anyways, the public library is a ways away from the school and I don't think many people would be able to see a 4'7 girl as she crosses the roads. I'd be road kill. OR someone would snap a picture and report a missing child alert and oh what hell that would bring. The comedic effect would be GREAT mainly cause my parents would say this, "Our daughter is 20, how can she be a missing child?" I'd probably laugh to.

So...books.. my love!! Non-existent (like my love-life) for the moment anyways.

I haven't even written a single page of the manuscript because I keep on changing my mind when it concerns the plot. How do author's do it? How do other writers get their stories down? I'm clearly in a state of writer's block...that evil little bug has found it's way into my mind. I can just see it laughing at my misery...

well... at least I got company.....

A Personal Note - Dark Nights

Often, I try to look on the bright side of things. Often, I try to see beyond the negativity towards positivity, but the truth is... I get into those moments where, I simply wish that I could've done things differently. I'm sure at some point everyone feels like this. You could say that I regret some major decisions I've made in my short life... and that's true. I wish that this wouldn't be such a lonely night. So, I could be in a crowded room of people screaming and yelling and conversing with one another... but I'd still feel like I'm the only one there; I'd still feel alone. There really isn't anything to do about it... I'm not saying I want to be around people. I'm saying I wish I could just have one person who I didn't really have to explain this, who I don't really have to say a thing for them to just know the reasons why my heart is heavy.

This place where I'm at isn't the place I'm meant to be, at least, for tonight, it just doesn't feel right. As subjective as that sounds, I can't seem to come up with the words to describe it. While the world around me moves to enjoy a night of football and friends and family, I feel displaced. I don't believe I was ever meant to feel this way.

I truly wish I could erase some things... learn to really forget it like the hundred dozen others in the world who somehow continue to live in the warm embraces and comfort of that significant other. Perhaps... it just isn't time for me to find my lover. There're a million things I need to do and work on.... and forget, to have that lover here... well, I'd probably only hurt him.

Valentine's day draws nearer with each passing moment and I can strangely enough say I'm happy for the couples out there. I'm happy they have someone to hold onto, to look at, cherish and to say.... "I miss you" or "I love you" to. I'm happy that there are some people out there who have someone they can reach out to so intimately, to share a meal together, to get all wrapped up in because although I don't feel well now... I have hope for tomorrow.

I won't lie. Hoping sometimes is such a pain. You put your heart and soul on it, place your life in its hands... and you could lose. And yet, I hope that one day despite my past and a whole bucket-full of things....that certain someone meant for me and I will finally meet.