A Personal Note - Dark Nights

Often, I try to look on the bright side of things. Often, I try to see beyond the negativity towards positivity, but the truth is... I get into those moments where, I simply wish that I could've done things differently. I'm sure at some point everyone feels like this. You could say that I regret some major decisions I've made in my short life... and that's true. I wish that this wouldn't be such a lonely night. So, I could be in a crowded room of people screaming and yelling and conversing with one another... but I'd still feel like I'm the only one there; I'd still feel alone. There really isn't anything to do about it... I'm not saying I want to be around people. I'm saying I wish I could just have one person who I didn't really have to explain this, who I don't really have to say a thing for them to just know the reasons why my heart is heavy.

This place where I'm at isn't the place I'm meant to be, at least, for tonight, it just doesn't feel right. As subjective as that sounds, I can't seem to come up with the words to describe it. While the world around me moves to enjoy a night of football and friends and family, I feel displaced. I don't believe I was ever meant to feel this way.

I truly wish I could erase some things... learn to really forget it like the hundred dozen others in the world who somehow continue to live in the warm embraces and comfort of that significant other. Perhaps... it just isn't time for me to find my lover. There're a million things I need to do and work on.... and forget, to have that lover here... well, I'd probably only hurt him.

Valentine's day draws nearer with each passing moment and I can strangely enough say I'm happy for the couples out there. I'm happy they have someone to hold onto, to look at, cherish and to say.... "I miss you" or "I love you" to. I'm happy that there are some people out there who have someone they can reach out to so intimately, to share a meal together, to get all wrapped up in because although I don't feel well now... I have hope for tomorrow.

I won't lie. Hoping sometimes is such a pain. You put your heart and soul on it, place your life in its hands... and you could lose. And yet, I hope that one day despite my past and a whole bucket-full of things....that certain someone meant for me and I will finally meet.